Real Talk: I’ve been having a really tough time at my new site. I came here with high expectations. My fault. I expected everyone to want to listen to me and hear my ideas and respect my opinions and that just hasn’t happened. 

I’ve been having a difficult time getting through to the men in my community. Honestly, culture runs DEEP. I keep forgetting to celebrate small victories. I keep forgetting that I can’t change everyone and the ones that do want to change may take a while longer than I want them to. 

I’ve been homesick and sad and have, on occasion, wondered if it would be easier to just go home. 

HOWEVER, those musings only last for a few minutes because I know I am here for many reasons. I am strong and capable. I am making awesome friends and every day my students try a little bit harder to know me and let me in. Most of the male teachers are trying to understand me and hear me when I speak and voice my many frustrations. 

So, for a few weeks, I tried everything that I could to rejuvenate and get back to my happy and positive self. I ran every day. I wrote in my journal. I called my mom. I called my nieces. I ate food from America. Every tool in my toolbox that I could think of and nothing was working. 

Finally, I sent a text to my boss and asked him if I could take a day to go and visit my Malawi family in Njombwa. I just wanted to see my Amayi. My boss said I could go. 

I traveled yesterday with two of my students. We took two minibuses and walked 30-45 minutes in very hot weather and it was EXACTLY what I needed. Seeing my Amayi and my family and all of the people that I grew so close to in Njombwa rejuvenated me and really reminded me about all of the things I love in Malawi. It brought me back to the good. It brought me back home. 

One of the first men that I saw as I was walking into the village said, “welcome back to your home.” My cheeks hurt from smiling so big and laughing all day. I fell in love with Njombwa and all of the people there for the first three months in this country. I left my heart in Njombwa when I left one and a half months ago. I am so looking forward to visiting Njombwa often throughout the next two years because I know that that will always be the place that will remind me of why I love Malawi the most. 

My heart is so full. 

It isn’t all sunshine and roses. I knew that from the day that I applied. My goal in starting this blog was to give an honest account of my time here in Malawi. Don’t get me wrong, Malawi is incredible and I love it here 90% of the time. But, some days are really difficult. Some weeks are definitely more of a struggle than I would like them to be. 

I’m currently in “site integration period” and that means that I am not supposed to leave my new community for three months. This is so that each volunteer can build a strong foundation for the two years ahead of them in their community.  Basically, we spent three months surrounded by like-minded individuals and now we get to spend these next three months surrounded by the opposite. 

Mind you, almost all of the people I have met in Malawi have been wonderful and kind humans. However, this country is built on a very different culture than the one I grew up in. These cultural differences can be very frustrating to both sides. 

The word “gentle” is not an adjective that I would use to describe myself and I know that, even to Americans, I can be a bit overwhelming in my “passionate” opinions. So, imagine how I may be coming off to Malawian men who are “lucky” enough to work with me every day. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I am passionate about equality and human rights and all things pertaining to the treatment of individuals no matter who they are. Typically, Malawian women are nothing like me. I’m opinionated, loud, strong, tenacious, and that is a lot different from the ways that women are expected to be in a Malawian village. 

Needless to say, I’m learning a lot. I’m realizing that I may not be able to change every man that I work with. I’m realizing that I need to celebrate my small victories like they are BIG ones. I’m learning to enjoy the few friends that I’ve made and be extremely and whole-heartedly present with them because laughing with them gives me all of the joy I need in order to make it through my day. I’m learning to truly look forward to my student, Moses, knocking on my door EVERY morning at 5:30am and the huge smile on his face when he sees how miserable I look when I open the door because I need my coffee before I adult. I’m learning to enjoy the cold bottle of Coca Cola after my mile walk to my trading center on days when there isn’t a blackout. I’m starting to remember to look up at the sky at night to see the gorgeous stars that shine so brightly here and the sun as it rises and sets each day. 

They told us from day one that this is “the hardest job you’ll ever love” and I am just trying to find the love in everything that I can. 

Mostly, I’m just trying to grow.  Also, Maizey thinks I’m a jungle gym.