I love Malawi. TRULY. Two weeks in and I am so happy and so busy and so inspired. My heart is full. The people here could not be kinder and I am learning so much at such a fast pace. I never imagined that this place could fill my heart so fully. 

With that said, I killed a mouse last night. I didn’t want to! But, it happened. Let me explain! 

I went to bed early like I always do here. Mornings start earlier here and I’m usually up before the sun, not by choice, it’s just a thing. Call it Jewish guilt but I can’t lay in bed while I can hear my Amayi (mom) outside working. Life is very different here. Anyways… so I went to bed early and I had been asleep for a while when I was awakened by scratching and noises near my head. I turned on the flashlight on my phone and couldn’t see anything but I could hear something! Whatever the something was, it was under my bed mat and it was very close to my head! If you know me, you know that I was completely FREAKING OUT at this point but it was the middle of the night so I couldn’t scream. I weighed my options but ultimately I knew that the only thing I really wanted to do was go back to sleep and I couldn’t do this while this creature, whatever it was, was making all of this noise. So, without leaving the safety of my mosquito net,  I stood up on my mattress and proceeded to STOMP repeatedly on my bed mat up near the top of my mattress. It took a couple stomps but I quickly heard a sharp squeak and then silence… that’s when I knew. Before that squeak, I wasn’t sure if it was a cricket or some other strange creature making noises under that mat. But, after the squeak, I knew. I knew it was a mammal. It was quick, though… so hopefully a swift death? 

Here’s the strange part: after I successfully murdered the animal, I went back to sleep. I had no desire to see the aftermath of my stomping and no one was awake to clean up my mess so I just went back to sleep and figured I would tackle the clean up in the morning. I was also still kind of in denial about what I had just done. I think I was still hoping I had successfully killed a large and very scary spider. Nope. 

I woke up this morning and carefully climbed out of my mosquito net. I tucked the mosquito net back in because I never tie it up for fear that something creepy and crawly will find its way into my bed during the day. Yes. I am paranoid. I then lifted the end of my bed net to reveal the small mouse that I had murdered in the night. Confirmation of my heinous act. I was so sad. I went outside and called to my Amayi and asked her to come inside (bwerani) and showed her what I had done. With a look of horror on my face and a look of sheer amusement on hers, she picked up the mouse. She thinks I am hilarious. So does my Ababa (dad) and they have been laughing about this and sharing the story with their friends all day. Also, my Amayi said her brother would eat my mouse. At least it went to good use? Protein? 

My friends thought it was terrible and so did I. Malawians have found it all incredibly humorous. Especially the fact that I am so horrified by it all. I mean, I wanted an experience, right?! Until the next one… RIP Mr./Mrs. Mouse.

Oh Malawi… 

Ok ok ok… I know what you’re thinking. If we’ve spoken a lot prior to me moving to Malawi then you know that it is frowned upon for women to drink in public. Also, if you know me at all, you know that I am a pansy and can’t “do shots.” So, when my PCMO (Peace Corps Medical Officer) said that that’s what we were going to do after his presentation, I knew that alcohol had nothing to do with the coming events. Unless you count the alcohol wipes they rub on your skin prior to administering a shot in that tender spot underneath your shoulder. 

This first day in Malawi has been filled with so many emotions. We arrived in Malawi yesterday after traveling for over 24 hrs to get here. The long flights were exhausting. The constant “hurry up and wait” and the surprise of having to check all of our luggage that then lead us all to having to rearrange everything so that we could follow the directions of keeping our valuables with us at all times. 

I was delighted to find awesome wifi at our hotel only to have it not exist today when I woke up. I can’t tell you how relieved I was to be able to see my family over the phone last night! That was an unexpected luxury even if it only lasted a few hours. 

I’m so far from home and I miss my mom so much. I miss everyone else too! But, man oh man do I miss my mommy. 

Being here is like a dream, though. The little bit that I’ve seen is breathtaking and the people here in the “warm heart of Africa” are the most wonderful humans I have ever met. It still doesn’t feel real. 

Today, I smiled and laughed so much that my cheeks hurt! Our teachers and tutors are SO knowledgeable and incredibly entertaining. They are easing my every anxiety with every little bit of information and reassurance that they give. I feel so lucky to be here! 

The American Ambassador, Virginia Palmer, came to see us today. She was AMAZING! So inspiring and I can’t wait to meet her again and actually get to speak to her. She told us that an average primary school class has 105 students in ONE CLASS! Can you imagine?! All I could think about was how back in California, we complain about having 30 in one room where we also have an aide to assist us! Don’t get me wrong, my teacher friends are INCREDIBLE AND THEY KNOW IT. But, ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE STUDENTS IN ONE CLASS???? Nope. 

We had to get vaccinations today. Hepatitis A and the flu shot. That makes only three for me so far! I hear there are many more to come and we started our malaria medication the first night we got here. It is super reassuring that they are so on top of everything that we are doing. 

Don’t worry, Mom! They are taking really good care of us! 

One of the things that the Peace Corps required is to bring to staging was our WHO cards. The yellow card that says when you were vaccinated for Yellow Fever. I was super responsible and kept this card VERY safe in the eight months leading up to my departure. Last night, before leaving for Philadelphia, I put all of my luggage and my itty bitty purse in the entryway of my house because I wanted it all ready to go for this morning. One of my best friends was over at my house and my mom and Colleen and I decided to go get ice cream because ICE CREAM. 

We left for TEN MINUTES. We came home to find that one of my dogs (BELLA) had gone into my purse and taken out my tissues, wallet, and WHO card!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t add enough exclamation points to this. This card is essential to me being admitted into Malawi. Like, you don’t understand. 

I was BEYOND livid. I don’t think I’ve ever been more upset at one of my dogs. I was panicking. What if they don’t let me into Malawi?! What if I can’t go into the Peace Corps?! This is a real thing. I was so calm (not really) before this. 

I ended up calling a return volunteer and sending a picture showing that you could still, technically, see all of the information needed on the WHO card and we agreed that I would probably be ok. I had found it outside by my trash cans. I had found my wallet, slightly, chewed up on her dog bed. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. Without this, I may not have been able to go to Malawi. 

LITERALLY: MY DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK 

I couldn’t do it. Honestly. I couldn’t! I tried! I tried FOUR times to pack for this trip and it was impossible. It was so overwhelming and I couldn’t compartmentalize and I couldn’t calm down. It was so frustrating. 

I had everything ready. I had bought all of the right things. All of the right gear. I was READY. I thought. Ohhhhhh I was so wrong. How do you pack for TWO YEARS???? 

I ended up calling my sister. My older sister is so good at organizing. Also, it isn’t her two years so she was able to look at the bigger picture. It wasn’t emotional for her. I know that having me leave was emotional but packing wasn’t and so she was able to organize and pack in a way that I COULD NOT. 

She packed me up and I got through with everything under weight and no extra fees. It was a miracle. Truly. So grateful. 

I’m pretty sure that I have forgotten things and 50lbs in a backpack is not fun to carry on your back. However, I know I have the things I NEED and I know that everything is where I need it to be. 

If you’re reading this, you’ve either had the greatest day or a terrible one. Both of these will happen. Now, ask yourself “what’s next?” 

Remember to be humble. Remember to keep your hopes high and your expectations low. Your bleeding heart will thank you. Remember that things can always get worse and that you can always be better. Be kind. To yourself and to others. 

Why are you here? Why is this so important to you? You did not choose the easy road. Why not? 

Your tears will come. They always do. You will feel insane amounts of joy and pride and amazement. You will feel unfathomable amounts of sadness and fear and loss. You signed up for this. For all of these things. 

You’re here because you care. You care so deeply for other people. You’re here because you want to make a difference. “Change the world or die trying.” Right?! 

Keep going. No matter how great or how terrible this day is, the next one will be better. The next one will bring new discoveries and surprises. The next one will be worth everything that you are feeling right now. 

In a week, you will look back on this day with disbelief because another day will replace whatever this day brought you. You will learn more tomorrow. You will be better tomorrow. 

It’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to feel euphoric. It’s ok to feel proud or lost or anything else. Just… don’t get lost in the feelings of today. Use them to move forward. Channel these feelings into action no matter what kind of action you need. You are stronger than you think. Every hurdle makes you stronger and allows you to grow and change in ways you had never imagined. This journey is not just something you want to do, it’s something you need to do. 

*** I was worried that if I wrote myself a letter that I might lose it before I got the chance to read it. As silly as all of this may seem to some, I know this journey will be an emotional rollercoaster for me. I am trying to prepare myself in any and every way that I can think of. Writing myself a letter was one of the coping mechanisms that was recommended to me in the beginning. I’m 32 days out. This is all becoming incredibly real. The anticipation is growing and I am so looking forward to what lies ahead.

The excitement, however, doesn’t take away the sadness I feel when I think about leaving. I’m going to miss my nieces so much. That’s one of the hardest parts. They will be so big when I come back. My family is my everything. Leaving is so difficult. 

A common adjective used to describe a teacher is “patient” and I wish I could tell you that that is a virtue that I possess… I don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE teaching. That last sentence will cause instant laughter to spew from many people that read this. But, I do. I love teaching. I love connecting with my students. I love when I can see a concept “click” in their brains. I love when I’ve been clashing with a student and then we talk and all of a sudden that student is now one of my favorites. I enjoy walking in to a classroom or into a campus and having students that are excited to see me. Sometimes I even enjoy when they aren’t happy to see me because it makes me think and hope that I am pushing them in a way that other teachers don’t because of reasons that I can only imagine. 

Patience isn’t a virtue that I possess. I said it. Twice now. However, in many ways, I think that helps me. I think that the fact that most of “my kids” know that I’m not putting up with anything they’re putting down helps them to understand what I expect from them and things go a lot more smoothly between us. I think it makes other kids respect me more because when they talk to me, they know I see them and I will listen and respond in a real way. I won’t sugarcoat things for them. I treat them with respect and I expect them to do the same. I love “my kids” and I love them even on days that I leave a job and sit and cry in my car. I love my job so much sometimes that it hurts. 

I’m looking forward to teaching in Malawi. I’m looking forward to the relationships I will get to have with my students. I’m looking forward to the relationships I will get to have with their parents and the other people in my community. I’m looking forward to the lifestyle changes and the hardships I will, inevitably, face. I’m looking forward to all of it. 

With that being said, waiting for medical and legal clearance is killing me. I’m so anxious to hear back from the Peace Corps that I find myself checking my email twenty times a day. I’m having dreams and nightmares all night long and tossing and turning. I’m losing sleep. I’m getting headaches because of my lack of sleep. It’s crazy! This waiting game is painful… literally. My cousins compared this process to planning a wedding. One task after another and another. You know they are all necessary. You know they are all worth it. But, just when you think you have done everything, another something needs to be done and QUICK. Everything is “hurry up and wait” and I can honestly say that I didn’t know what I was getting into. Don’t get me wrong! I want this. I do. I just know that I will feel so much better once I am cleared for service. I think that because I want this so badly and because I am already so invested, the anxiety and the stress is more. I’ve always been a worrier. Anyone who knows me or anyone who has dated me can attest to that! Even though I feel confident in my health and I work for a public school district so I feel VERY comfortable with my legal background, it still doesn’t ease my worries. It still doesn’t stop me from thinking everyday that maybe something is wrong or maybe I left something out or maybe there is something else they need me to do. 

Please send good juju my way.

Also, send Mr. Sandman! I’m exhausted 🙂